I'm Back

Dearest reader, 

As I return back to campus from Spring Break and sit in my quaint, cozy, and quite frankly lonely room, I am forced to ponder what the rest of my second sophomore semester might bring. It started on a good note: hanging out with Abbey and Zoe and getting dinner with them and their crew. There's something about their friends that just feels so right. They are funny and quick-witted and polite and friendly and I feel great hanging out with them. They remind me of the people I love so much at home. 

Sidebar: I don't know why I am being brought to a panic right now but I am oddly anxious for having not done much today that could trigger such negative thoughts. Maybe it's all the Cadbury eggs I ate. Let's blame it on that. 

My spring break trip to Florida went swimmingly. I got quite tan and got closer with my group of friends. I wasn't nervous about being excluded or not feeling like I fit in with the girls. It was simple, and it was nice. I think the difference between here at school and there in Florida is that we aren't surrounded by everyone else. I think when we are here at school I fear that I won't be chosen first by anyone or that someone else will take my spot in a ride or my friends will knock on anyone's door but my own. Actually no one ever knocks on my door. It's not a fun feeling, that's for sure. But I really don't know how to change it. It's a bad habit that is going to take awhile to break. 

I began writing my Fairfield transfer application on the plane ride to Florida. That probably wasn't the most fitting time to do so, but I figured it would be good to get all my negative thoughts out on the screen before they consumed me over the span of the trip. I discussed the uneasy feeling of uncertainty I feel here and how my status within my friend group--silly enough as it may be--is always at the risk of changing.

I think my trip with my friends, however, might be the actual start to change. I keep saying I need to find the action and not wait for it to come to me but I don't. I sit in my bed and hope someone knocks on my door. That's not going to happen. 

My anxiety and depressive feelings create a positive feedback loop. I am anxious that my friends don't actually like me, I stay in my room because I am scared my friends don't want me around, my friends hang out because they just knock on everyone else's doors, I don't join in on the fun because I'm anxious, my friends all get closer because they are confident in their friendships unlike me. This needs to change. I must find a way to break the cycle. 

I'm also realizing that this is such a back and forth piece. Lucy texted me that we have no good photos together which really changed my mindset on my friendship with her. It's the little things that make me feel so secure. 

In summary, my goals for the rest of my second sophomore semester:

• Look for the action. Knock on doors & reach out.
• Get closer with Abbey and Zoe and Molly and their friends. I really like hanging out with them. They are good people. I like good people. 
• Establish myself within my group of friends. They are my friends. I'm going to stop saying I have to realize that because it only makes me procrastinate realizing that. They. are. my. friends. 
• Get a boyfriend 🤣
• BE HAPPY.

I'll be letting you know if I get this all done at the end of the semester. I hope I do. No. I will. 

Forever & Always,

Alyssa